


rue in the rain

by fossilizedbirds (pigeonsatdawn)



Category: Purple Hyacinth - Ephemerys & Sophism (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Character Death, Gen, I Love You All, I'm Sorry, Rain, Sad, Sorry Not Sorry, enjoy, i am sad, i guess, post-explosion, rubble - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:07:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26871898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pigeonsatdawn/pseuds/fossilizedbirds
Summary: because when the rain falls and the flames die out, all that’s left is a mixture of puddles and rubble, ash from the fire, damp from the vapor—and everything is already in ruin.and all that’s left for her is to ruminate.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	rue in the rain

**Author's Note:**

> it was raining, i was sad, so i thought i'd write something about being sad in the rain. ta-daaaa

**The rain** was sharper than knives, than any of the blades she owned, hurting more than any bullet could do, than the fire it was putting out. Lauren observed as the fire around her slowly died, as the grey clouds dissolved the burning reds and oranges on the ground, emitting darker smoke into the air. She could barely see to begin with, what with the fog caused by the cold weather and the rain, but the smoke completely blurred her vision to a blotch of random colors. 

She could barely see anything, but she felt _everything_. She could blame it on science, say it was the rain reacting with the acids in the sky and toxin from the ashes, that it was literal poison biting down her skin, and she wouldn’t be wrong. But of course she knew better. The emotions brought about by rain had changed that one cursed night, a night felt with so much rage, fear, and hurt, brought about one who she considered a partner, a confidant, who betrayed her. 

Since then, she never liked being out in the rain. The emotions always came back to her clear as day, hitting the hardest when she least expected it. She endured it, anyway, when she had to be out on missions. Some of them even with _him_. There was nothing much she could do about the pain, other than suppress it the way she always did, converting it to the pent up rage she reserved for him. There was barely a moment when she regretted lashing out on him. He deserved it, after what he did to her.

Even though the smoke was suffocating, even though she couldn’t tell exactly where she was heading, she stumbled her way forward, hoping to find someone, _anyone_ , to tell her that everything that was happening was a dream. She wanted to scream, but couldn’t. Not because she was scared someone would find her and possibly kill her—no, at this point, she didn’t see much of a point in staying alive. Not if she couldn’t be with anyone she cared for. She couldn’t scream, because she’d quite lost her voice. She’d screamed too loud, a few seconds before the estate blew up to pieces, trying to get the people inside to go out, warning them. She was too late. _Again_.

She no longer had the voice, nor the energy. So she trudged on, tears forming in her eyes—whether due to the chemicals in the air, or the sting from the rain, or simply because she could no longer control her pain—it wasn’t clear. Her vision blurred to the point she stumbled over a huge block of concrete, of what used to be part of the estate, what used to be her house, a _home_ to her, her family, and all her memories. Memories of her with her parents. With Dylan. Them, in the flowers in their garden, him naming each one with pride, her watching with admiration.

Her brief reminiscence was cut off by an unearthly cry, somewhere to her west. She gasped, before making her way to the direction of the cry, not minding that her knees and elbows were covered in cuts, blood trickling down her skin. The ground, she suspected, was covered with more blood than she could see anyway. When she saw the familiar figure of a blonde man with striking blue eyes, she cried in relief, but the feeling didn’t last long when she saw the expression clearly on his face.

She had never seen William Hawkes this way before—distressed, vulnerable, angry, in pain—none of which were emotions she’d associated with the Lieutenant. He was always composed, patient, having his feelings in check. The most she’d seen of him was his frequent frustration for Kym Ladell, but it was to be understood, because that friend of theirs was a special case indeed. To see him this unhinged—it didn’t take long for her to realize that he was this way because of the Sergeant as well. Only she could bring out the worst in him.

Unfortunately, the worst in him looked too much of a mirror to herself. Even though he’d never been particularly open to her, she knew that William had always been cruel to himself, just as she was to herself; that they often beat themselves up with feelings that others may deem unnecessary. That feeling was usually guilt, of the mistakes they’ve done, the mistakes they have to undo, the happenings of which they blamed themselves for. But today they were filled with a different emotion, one very similar to guilt, and yet in such a different light—they were filled with heart-wrenching regret.

Immediately as soon as they saw each other in such a wrecked state, they ran to each other, crashing with open arms. William was full on sobbing, wailing incomprehensible words, with “Kym” being one of the words Lauren could actually make out. She, on the other hand, hadn’t fully registered the shock in her system yet, unbelieving that her best friend was gone. So she pulled back to look him in the face, and asked brokenly, “Is she—are you sure?”

He made a very vague mixture between nodding and shaking his head, as if he was also in denial himself. “I shouldn’t—shouldn’t have listened to her,” he hiccuped. “She—told me—stay outside, she’d han—dle it. I shouldn’t—I should’ve—”

The tears began to flow out of Lauren’s eyes. She didn’t dare breathe, didn’t dare allow herself to sob. “No,” she said simply, shaking her head. “Kym— _no_. She can’t.”

“I should’ve—at least I should’ve—” and though he couldn’t utter the words, she knew what he meant. He continued, sobbing heavily as he did, “She told me. Told me she—that she _loved_ me. But I—” he shook his head, the tears flowing faster. “I told her she was mistaken. That it was stupid. A mistake. She shouldn’t—”

“Oh, Will,” Lauren cried, before hugging him tighter, letting the grown man sob into his shoulder. They stayed that way as William cried out his heart until the sobs receded. 

Then, he said in a soft whisper, “I should’ve told her I loved her too.”

Lauren’s heart died a little inside, but she managed a weak smile. “It’s Kym,” she points out. “She probably already knows, even if you didn’t say it.”

“I—” William sighed heavily. “I always treated her badly. I never treated her—the way I always wanted to. Why would she ever believe that?”

She faced him properly. “Will, everyone within a five mile radius knows you love the hell out of her,” she pointed out. “But also, she’s particularly perceptive. I mean, she figured I was part of Lune long before I confessed to you two, didn’t I?”

William noted the way her eyes hazed a bit at the memory of Lune, and said hesitantly, “Lauren, about Kieran—”

“I know,” Lauren said, voice barely audible. “He’s in there, isn’t he?”

He simply nodded, not knowing what was going through her mind. She sighed, the ghost of a smirk etched upon her lips. “He insisted he’d get in there, no matter how much I argued. Even our last conversation was a fight. The last expression I saw in him was pure anger. He didn’t even look back.” Her voice cracked near the end, and it took her by surprise, because she hadn’t been expecting to cry over the assassin who had brought so much pain to her life.

William shook his head. “He cared. A lot. About you. Even about us, for you. I’m not saying it justifies what he’s done, but…”

“Nobody told him to die for _me_ ,” Lauren muttered, glaring at the direction of where the mansion’s main doors were, where she’d last seen him. “He was supposed to die by my hands. He shouldn’t—shouldn’t have died this way.”

They slowly made their way away from the pile of rubble, from the suffocating smoke. After a few moments of silence, William spoke up: “She was… scared.” 

She turned to face him at this. He explained, “When Harvey died, and I chased her out, I found her shaken. And I thought she could survive any sort of pain.”

Lauren didn’t say anything in response, her thoughts filled with her own memories of Kym. William then asked, “Do you think she—she was ready to—to die?”

She merely scoffed. She didn’t think it was possible for anyone to be truly ready to die. Even though she and Kieran had spent the last months planning on how to prevent the tragedy from happening, they knew that it would only end in death, and even Kieran admitted that he wasn’t sure whether he was prepared to face it. It was a rare moment they shared, one of the very few moments she wasn’t consciously thinking of being mad at him.

“Then why do this at all?” she’d asked then, genuinely curious as to why the Purple Hyacinth himself, who already had immunity and was seemingly able to live with his crimes, would risk it all to bring the Phantom Scythe down. Was revenge such a strong desire to him that he’d risk losing it all, even his _life_ , for something that might not even happen at all?

“Sometimes I forget,” he’d admitted in response. “Sometimes I lose sight of the reason I do this, the reason I sacrifice myself to the murders they’d forced me into.” Then he’d looked at her with odd intensity, one she didn’t know the meaning of, not until then— “But I have reasons, and reminders, to keep going, to want to use what they made against them. I have reasons to be against them. Even if I can no longer change the fact that I am _like_ them.”

“Do you regret it at all?”

He’d held up the Purple Hyacinth in his hands, looking at it with much sorrow. “If I had the choice, of course I wouldn’t,” he’d uttered softly. “I have my regrets, but this is not one of them.”

And perhaps that was what hurt most to her. More than the realization that they—Kym, Kieran, every other person she’d cared about, every physical reminder of her life—were gone, it was, selfishly, the fact that when they died, at the very least, they’d died with little regrets. They make up their lives doing things that hold value, focusing on the ways they can change the future, rather than as she (and Will) did, the way they kept looking back at the past, so focused on repairing their mistakes, erasing their guilt. 

Because now, watching everything turn into dust, everything they’d done over the past decade, gone to waste, she realized she’d wasted so much of her life when she could’ve done so much more. She could have paid more attention to the people around her, could have built better memories, could have learned to heal, in the comfort of the people around them. She’d been so obsessed with her own past, her own guilt, that she locked herself in her personal torture chamber, not allowing herself to enjoy anymore joy, even if it seemed to be her personal end goal.

She turned to her side and began to sob on William’s shoulder. Though she should probably have learned from Kym and Kieran, she was filled with even greater regret, that she never valued the people who cared about her, as she watched the scene in what seemed to be eternity. Because when the rain falls and the flames die out, all that’s left is a mixture of puddles and rubble, ash from the fire, damp from the vapor—

and everything is already in ruin.

_And all that’s left for her is to ruminate._

**Author's Note:**

> me: no i do not under any circumstances want kieran to die in such a futile way  
> also me: _kills kieran just because i can lol_
> 
> there isn't much logic in this it's just an emotional dump :") and very inspired by the people in the server y'all making me feel things all day long
> 
> yes i am high in caffeine, yes i lack sleep, yes i am very much lauren today today is a bad day heNCE THE DAMN FIC
> 
> i need a good cry but apparently this _wasn't_ enough to make me cry so lemme just— idk find something else or something IF YOU'RE READING THIS GO WRITE SOME ANGST FOR ME PLEASE
> 
> anyways thank you for reading i love you all comments and kudos appreciated as always have a good day/night! <3


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